As the Holidays near, garland drapes the fireplace, reindeer fill the shelves, and Santa Clause’s face is posted everywhere. Regardless of what you celebrate, you can relate to the feeling of sitting at the dinner table as your great great great aunt, cousin you haven’t seen in five years, and extended family you’ve never heard of, blather on about politics and how it’s too cold this time of year. As the silverware falls on the floor and the food flies from their mouths you can’t help but think of one thing, “How am I supposed to survive the night?”
Here is my step by step guide on how to survive an awkward family gathering without losing an excessive amount of brain cells.
Number one; Hide! If you’re able to avoid the situation I would recommend doing it as soon as possible. This strategy is most successful because it can provide you a sense of inner peace. While Meemaw and Grandpappy retell the story they swear never gets old regardless of the seventeen times they’ve said it, you can be away not having to practice your best poker face.
Number two; Become a secret agent for the CIA. This step requires some extra courses of action but the end result is something you won’t want to miss. This plan can be executed in two routes. Plan A is in depth analysis. Don’t let anything go unnoticed, question everything, and snoop! Stare at Uncle Buddy’s missing tooth for as long as possible and once noticed, talk into your coat (you will need a coat). This will spark confusion, maybe even an awkward conversation that makes them coincidentally remember that they forgot to lock their front door. Make sure to collect everybody’s coats and pose it as a friendly gesture. Once your family sits down at the dinner table excuse yourself and tip toe (very important to tip toe) towards the coats. Begin to check every pocket like you’re looking for something important. This will likely make your family fearful as your Nana will wonder if their child raised a pickpocket. If your family is extra warm blooded and doesn’t have a jacket you will have to resort to plan B; being called for a top secret secret spy mission. Your phone rings for a suspiciously long time. You answer the call at the table and begin to whisper under your breath frantically. Suddenly you walk out the door without saying bye. Alike the first plan, you no longer have the gentle parent your 89 year old popeyey.
Last but certainly not least Number three; Keep yourself busy. Auntie Stevenson wants to show you pictures of her guinea pigs? You’re too busy reorganizing your sock drawer. Your third cousin wants to play monopoly? A leak just sprung in your closet and you have to fix the pipes.
Family gatherings take exorbitant amounts of survival skill, but luckily this is the best and most accurate list created to successfully and safely avoid them. Remember to stay safe this holiday season and always be jolly!
